I am having a personal struggle with myself and have been for the past few months.
I seem to be going through a personal crisis and I am scared.
Scared because I am not sure how to get myself out of this rut.
I hate who I have become. I am miserable, negative and so unhappy I hardly recognise myself anymore.
Recently I went to a wedding with my mom and that is when it really hit home. I used to be the person who always had the pretty dress or the "Eden top" (something sparkly and pretty) My mom always says:
Posh Spice says that you should rather be over-dressed than under-dressed.
How my mom knows anything Posh says is a different matter entirely. The point is, that was always me.
This last wedding, I went in black pants and a nice-ish top - wedding attire, not at all. Looking around me at all the ladies dressed in stunning dresses and pretty shoes, I recalled the cupboard full of pretty dresses I own, something for each occasion and yet there I was in Black pants! My legs were even shaved, so I can't say that was my excuse!
I suppose if we want to psycho-analyse... I don't feel good about myself, so why draw attention to myself?
A part of the old "Princess" is still trying to break through by doing things like the laser hair removal. This is one of the best things I have ever done and the money is well, well spent. I have just had my pink streaks put back into my hair and had my hair styled again.
I just wish "Princess" would push me harder, because I am losing myself and I have no idea how to get myself back.
I don't want to be that negative person anymore, but I feel like I am too far gone to change it.
I don't sit outside in the garden with my book and watch my cats play on the lawn. I don't blog anymore. I don't do self pedicures and facials. I don't go to the movies, I don't go to the gym.
I don't laugh. I am not happy.
I want to be the person that I used to be. The person who made people smile. The person that everyone used to say:
Wow, she really is a nice person.
I want to sparkle and be bubbly again.
Instead I lie on the couch or sleep. I am putting on weight, craving junk food (and eating it)
I keep feeling that I want a brand new start at life. Something major.
I never imagined that at 32 years old I would be where I am now.
I thought I would be a happier person and making a difference to people's lives.
I don't feel that I add value to my friends' lives at all. They don't remember something that I did this past week that was really important to me.
Before I make you all burst into tears - I am going to leave you with this note of positivity:
Smile at somebody random - you never know what that smile might mean to them.
How my mom knows anything Posh says is a different matter entirely. The point is, that was always me.
This last wedding, I went in black pants and a nice-ish top - wedding attire, not at all. Looking around me at all the ladies dressed in stunning dresses and pretty shoes, I recalled the cupboard full of pretty dresses I own, something for each occasion and yet there I was in Black pants! My legs were even shaved, so I can't say that was my excuse!
I suppose if we want to psycho-analyse... I don't feel good about myself, so why draw attention to myself?
A part of the old "Princess" is still trying to break through by doing things like the laser hair removal. This is one of the best things I have ever done and the money is well, well spent. I have just had my pink streaks put back into my hair and had my hair styled again.
I just wish "Princess" would push me harder, because I am losing myself and I have no idea how to get myself back.
I don't want to be that negative person anymore, but I feel like I am too far gone to change it.
I don't sit outside in the garden with my book and watch my cats play on the lawn. I don't blog anymore. I don't do self pedicures and facials. I don't go to the movies, I don't go to the gym.
I don't laugh. I am not happy.
I want to be the person that I used to be. The person who made people smile. The person that everyone used to say:
Wow, she really is a nice person.
I want to sparkle and be bubbly again.
Instead I lie on the couch or sleep. I am putting on weight, craving junk food (and eating it)
I keep feeling that I want a brand new start at life. Something major.
I never imagined that at 32 years old I would be where I am now.
I thought I would be a happier person and making a difference to people's lives.
I don't feel that I add value to my friends' lives at all. They don't remember something that I did this past week that was really important to me.
Before I make you all burst into tears - I am going to leave you with this note of positivity:
Smile at somebody random - you never know what that smile might mean to them.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI really, honestly understand where you are right now and all I can say is stop it! Just stop....It's so easy to get into a rut like that ( i know it all to well myself), especially when you are in your thirties and your life seems to be going nowhere (well, at least thats how it might feel)
ReplyDeleteMy advice (take it or leave it) is to do something that will take you out from your comfort zone. Book a trip overseas...go alone....visit a friend there if loner travelling is a bit too daunting. Start a new hobby, one that takes up time and is possibly part of a group.
Do something though - life is passing you by right now and if you just let yourself go to the dark, lonely place it will get harder and harder not to become very bitter or sad.
If it helps, maybe go an talk to someone....a shrink probably wont tell you anything you have not heard before, but sometimes a neutral person is easier to tell everything to and can give you a new perspective.
Most importantly, never ever forget that it's never too late to be who you want to be or become what you want to become.
(ps - all the above advice I need to listen to for myself sometimes too. hehe. take care)
Reading this, I kept nodding at everything and thinking "Yip, that's me". I wish I had advice for you, but I haven't found the answers yet.
ReplyDeleteI truly hope things get better, and soon.
oh and ps - just realised how very long my comment was (gosh, i really can ramble). Hope you feeling better.
ReplyDeleteYou guys have been awesome with all your understanding comments - thank you so much.
ReplyDeleteThe pep talks helped, I am happy to report I am finding some of my inner sparkle again! But it really is a mind-set, and not always the easiest decision to make.
Baby steps!